Cold!

Temperatures dipped again today. We went to see Hunter, Lacey and Scott last night for a bit. He is 5 days old today. He is so good! They all seem to be so comfortable. That is so good to see. I knew they would work everything out well. It is nice that Scott was able to take a week off to be with them. That has to be a good thing. He has pitched in and is helping with everything, even getting up in the night. What I would have given to have had that. I do not think anyone knows how big that responsibilty is! I was comfortable with the girls. I knew that was something I was good at, even with all the frustrations that came with it...I was always happy to serve. Sounds like it was a sentence, but I never felt that way. I picked being a Mom. I loved it, I felt good about it. I was home...it was total love...the first time I ever felt that. Even though that new parenting feeling is awsome, it also can be terrifying at the same time. I remember when Jodee was tiny, Larry got caught out away from us in a Blizzard. He almost died! I was terrified and Mad all at the same time. He had been home and did not believe the storm was as bad as it turned out to be. I blame the drinking. Neither he nor the fellow with him were thinking...they were just drinking. They got stranded north of Farnhamville. The truck went into the ditch outside of town, and they ended up walking north instead of west! It is a miracle they did not freeze to death. The town people ended up going out fo get them and bring them home in the town equipment. I have forgotten details of it, only that feeling that you get when Family is not with you when they should be home and safe. It is good to remember those days. Things I have long forgotten keep coming back to my memory, seeing Tyler and Hunter. It gives my 3 girls respect for me and what I went through, pretty much alone. It lets me see them as adults and now as Mommies, and find a new respect for them also. Larry was good help, dont get me wrong. There were days I could not have made it without his help. He always pitched in with the cooking and cleaning. That is something not many men did back then. I could not have made it without his help. For some reason, I have always felt "judged". I felt I never would measure up, no matter how good I was at anything. Now I understand that some of it was jealousy. Some of it just was. I will do my best not to step on my daughter's toes in that respect. I also see that it is not easy to do! Words said too quickly can be interpreted wrongly, then lookout! Now looking back, I see that when we go through Life, we are molded by our history....no matter how much we might try to be different, sometimes we end up repeating things we never thought we would. It is JUST Life! I will try much harder to "go with the flow", and not feel bad about simple words, words said in a joking manner, words said without thinking first, words that a person can easily twist to mean something totally different than was intended. I look back to my own childhood. I was never happy. I was always lonesome even in a crowded family. Now I will never know if that feeling was founded or not. I know looking back that my Family did what they did for good reasons. I also know that they loved me, and still do. I am the one who has never been able to love or accept myself. They only passed on what they had been taught, right or wrong. Things change. I have to learn to change to fit the times as well. I am learning my own worth. I know I am valued...for some reason I lost that for a while. I felt left out, un-needed, un-worthy. Now I see that the only on treating me that way in reality, was ME! No one else expected as much from me. I am loved for me. Faults and all. Successes, Failures, complexities. I found that out this past month of November. I was lost, thought I knew what was best for me. I found out how tough things are out there alone. I realized that I did not really want to be alone, only to know that I COULD be and survive. The scarey part is aging. I was running away from getting older. I regret only that I should have taken the money I spent foolishly and spent it on a luxury vacation, or spa treatment. At least then I would have been able to relax and enjoy myself. Yes! Isn't hindsight wonderful? I thought I had sailed through menopause with no real problems. Then baaam! They all fell on me at once. I ran away from home. I should have talked to my loving Family. Why I did not trust them is beyond me. Perhaps it is/was because I felt every time I tried, they did not hear me. Or they just poo pooed things I would say. Guess I had to get their attention in a big way. I did have feelings of wanting to scream "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, I AM HERE!" Now that I am home here safe again, I am doing my best to get to the root of things, to find what I can do for the rest of my Life. I know I may not be good at writing, or painting... but I have to try! I have to learn one way or another what I can do other than rote repetitive work to be happy! I want to be Happy! I deserve to be Happy! I WILL be HAPPY! With Christmas so close, I have not even begun to shop. I have wandered around in stores. I have moved things around. I bought things for an apartment. But, I have not shopped for one gift. I found a couple while on my adventures...but no real "shopping" excursions. That will happen soon. I have to get out there and find some things, or just forget it and give them all money. I hate to be that way. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. We want to do something special for Jodee's Birthday this year. I would love to take her and Lacey and go to the new spa in Ft. Dodge. That would be fun. I might have to mention that to Larry to see what his reaction would be. Time is the important thing. Spending time with the girls may be the best gift of all. Lacey, Jodee, and Jesse are all going to be here on the 17th. We will probably have Christmas that day, just in case the weather changes for the worse. We have had snow a lot recently. I have even lost track of how much we have gotten. The past 3 weeks it has snowed just about every day. It is going to be a long winter if this keeps up, and I have a feeling it will. We lucked out the first time as we got a lot of precipitation as rain first before it turned to snow. Otherwise we would have had well over 10 inches on the ground. It snowed and then turned cold, so most of the snow we have gotten is still here. There was a bit of thawing in between snows, but not really much. It could be worse. There were several bad tornados in November this year, some not that far away. Stratford got hit real hard as did Woodward. Mem and John and Tiffany were safe. The tornado was only 2 blocks north of them, but thank God they were spared. It makes one really realize how important Family is and how quickly they can be gone. I think that was the thing that made me realize I belonged here. I know that it is better for all concerned that I returned before Thanksgiving. I liked being on my own, but I also hated sleeping alone. I liked being in charge of myself, but I hated working so hard and being so exhausted all the time. I know now that I have to work on getting better. I cannot worry about a job right now. It is nasty to drive. I know what I cannot do. I just need to find something I can love to do! Most tell me that I am dreaming, but I do know what will send me around the bend. I appreciate that Larry works so hard now. I wish he could slow down, and he is trying. He does not really realize how important it is for him to spend more time with me. I thought I wanted to be away from him when I really wanted him to want to be with me more. I told him I wanted more when we are together. I want conversation. I want to interact and not turn it into him telling me only his opinion. He has done wonderfully well at changing that. He has also been more affectionate. I told him it does not always have to be a precursor...I just need hugs and kisses. I have rambled into an area I was not going to address on these pages. I like writing this way. It truly helps me visualize things and address them myself. It also helps me to know that I can get things out of my head an onto paper. I have started going back and re-reading my journals. Perhaps there are some secrets inside of that writing that I can use. You think? That is all for this time, hope you are all well and enjoying December! Time goes so fast! Hugs till next time, Katie